What quality do I value most in a friend?
I’ve been staring at this question for a while, trying to think of one thing. Only one. But the fact is that I can’t. I’m not wired that way.
Because the sort of friend I need, particularly at this point in life, is not characterized by a single trait. They are more like a constellation. A consistent, steady presence held together by little, delicate details that most people overlook.
I value emotional depth. That is the first thing. I want to sit across from someone and talk about grief, about old love that never left the body, motherhood’s challenges, and the sense of not knowing who you are at times.
But depth without safety is dangerous. So I value a friend who gives me a safe space to unravel. The ones who don’t rush to fix or dismiss what I say. Who don’t recoil when I cry or go quiet. Who don’t see my softness as a burden to carry or a puzzle to solve. Just someone who can sit with me in the dark without needing to turn on the light.
Then there’s “soulful curiosity,” which isn’t the nosy kind. The sort of friend that says, “What have you been thinking about lately? What moved you this week?” Or the sort of friend that sends me a poem, meme, article, or quote because it made them think of me. The kind that listens when I talk about my culture, my writing, and the fears I’m still grappling with. The type of friend that doesn’t shy away from depth, but instead leans in closer and with care.
I also appreciate loyalty. Not the performative kind that only appears when things are going well, but the kind that sticks around. The sort that recalls what I said months ago, follows up, and forgives my silences. Who doesn’t require constant tending yet is always there when I return. I don’t open up easily. So, when I do, I want to know that it mattered.
And, because I often live in my head, I appreciate people who understand my silences. Who is not insulted when I take a step back to breathe. Who don’t associate presence with constant texting (I dislike this type of people. They need to connect all the time and that’s suffocating and tedious). Who recognizes that solitude is part of how I survive, and yet remain close.
Lastly, I value kindness in words like honest, gentle affirmation. Not flattery or forced optimism. I second-guess myself too often. I often feel like an imposter even in rooms I’ve earned my place in. So a kind word from a friend that is spoken without expectation, lingers. It becomes an anchor and assurance for me.
So no, I can’t choose just one quality because I’ve never been the type to love in halves.
Not in friendship.
Not in life.
Not even in my answers to questions like this.
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